From the latest issue of The Rosy Times
Grief. It’s a topic not talked about much, despite it impacting so many of us. When I lost my mum at age sixteen to cancer, I didn’t know how to cope. Now, I have an arsenal of tools I can use to help me on the hard days, and although they won’t bring her back, these coping mechanisms help me get through. If you have experienced a loss, I am sending my love to you, and I hope these tips can help you too.
ACCEPT THAT YOU’RE NOT GOING TO KNOW WHAT TO DO AT FIRST
And how could you? Unless you have been through a big loss before, this feeling of deep grief will be completely new and alien to you, so it’s going to take a while to adjust and to figure out the best steps going forward. For me, everything seemed like a blur right after Mum had passed and I can barely remember what happened for the first month after. Remind yourself that there is no right way to grieve- to throw yourself into your work, to cry as much as you need to, to just do anything that gets you through- it’s completely okay to not know how to handle it. All you can do is just try to not fight what you’re feeling and to do one little positive thing every day if you can, so the days don’t blur into one as much and to remind yourself you still have a purpose after your loved one has passed.
RECOGNISE AND DEAL WITH YOUR FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS
It’s hard to imagine anything that is harder to deal with than the pain of losing a loved one. I get it, I really, truly do. But it is so important to deal with the emotions as close to the passing as you can to help yourself down the line. For me, I felt so overwhelmed that my defence mechanisms kicked in and my brain refused to deal with any emotions and so I pushed my feelings down for years. These feelings ended up presenting themselves in different ways such as anxiety, depression and my chronic illnesses, and although I have few regrets in life, I really wish I had dealt with my emotions sooner so I could have helped myself in the future. If you feel yourself putting on a front or acting much more positive than you actually feel, remember to stop yourself and consider why you are actually acting like this. Is it to make others around you feel better? To kid yourself you’re fine? I know it is horrible to miss them and to feel the overwhelming sadness, but from experience, I know it is so much better to face your feelings there and then rather than bottling it all up. It is going to feel crap, but dealing with grief from the get-go is so much better than putting it off for years. Talk to your friends, family and a grief counsellor if you can for support and to help you work through these complex and painful feelings.
FEELING GUILTY IS NORMAL, BUT THE SITUATION IS NOT YOUR FAULT
This is true for all different kinds of passings. If someone takes their own life, friends and loved ones can tend to blame themselves, but it is never anyone’s fault. If you know someone who has passed due to mental health difficulties, please do not question whether you did enough, or whether you should have done something differently – sometimes there really is nothing you can do. Furthermore, sometimes there are no warning signs because the person wants to keep their personal crisis private. For those of us who have lost due to an illness or other event we can also feel like we should’ve done, more when this is rarely the case. During mum’s final days I was doing my GCSEs and because I was so scared of the situation, I spent a lot of time in my room revising as a way of escaping the situation. After she was gone I felt this guilt that I had let her down and that I should’ve spent more time with her than I did. I was so scared to talk about this to anyone in case they thought I was an awful person but during my grief counselling this year it came out and I was told that this was completely normal. I ended up talking to my dad about it and he said that mum knew I was terrified and that was why I was in my room. He said (which made me remember, too,) that she had told me to go and do my work so I could do as well as I could and set myself in good stead for sixth form, and that she didn’t want me to fail my GCSE’s because of her. She was such a selfless woman like that. Once I had talked about my guilt and thought about it for a few weeks, it slowly went away and now I can confidently say that mum wouldn’t have been and isn’t upset with me. Whatever it is you may feel guilty about, I really encourage you to talk about it. It’s going to be hard but shame likes to be kept buried and as soon as you expose it, it somehow kind of dies. Talk to those around you who love you and talk to them about your guilt – they will want to help you.
LIFE WILL BE DIFFERENT, BUT REMIND YOURSELF THAT THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING GOOD
This one takes time, as time really is the best healer. Although we miss our loved ones dearly, we have to remember how amazing it was to have them in our lives in the first place. Things will undoubtedly hurt as life moves on. Special occasions won’t be the same and it is easy to fixate on the things they will miss out on. You also may find yourself wanting others to fill their shoes, which my grief counsellor helped me realise that no one will ever be able to feel that space. They were so important to you and unique in their own right and no combination of people will ever be able to make up for them not being here, as hard as that is to admit. I think the most important thing to do is to just appreciate those around you for who they are. They might not be your loved one, but they are still amazing in their own way and they’ll be the ones who are there for you when you need them the most. Grief can help us really appreciate those around us, so hold your people close and talk to them if you ever feel lost or lonely- they might even be feeling the same way. Your life will change, but it doesn’t all have to be a negative change. I have grown into a much more understanding and compassionate person from the experience of losing mum and I really hope that one day I can help people through my loss. Things will be different, but I can promise you that time really is the best healer and that things do get better.
Useful resources:
The Loss Foundation – thelossfoundation.org
Cruse Bereavement Care – www.cruse.org.uk
Hope Again (a website for young people) – www.hopeagain.org.uk
CALM (who help with suicide-related issues) – www.thecalmzone.net
BetterHelp (online counselling) – www.betterhelp.com
Samaritans (to talk through anything, 24hrs, 365 days a year) – www.samaritans.org or call 116 123 for free
Marie Curie (for care and support through. and after a terminal illness) – www.mariecurie.org.uk MuchLoved (to create an online tribute or fundraiser for your loved one) – www.muchloved.com
With all my love,
L x
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